Proper Gander

After spending the last few days watching the British hostages being paraded in front of The Iranian media, it must have been a relief to their families to see them returned safely home to this country…and paraded in front of the British media…


The Latest Newspeak

It is being widely reported in the media that today, Tony Blair will announce The Home Office is being split into two separate departments, ‘the Department for Constitutional Affairs’ and ‘the Ministry of Justice’.

Later this week he is expected to announce the creation of four brand new departments… ‘the Ministry of Truth’, ‘the Ministry of Peace’, ‘the Ministry of Love’ and ‘the Ministry of Plenty’


You’re In Submission

During the 80s, finding a fetish club in London was like finding a needle in a haystack. Nowadays, it’s more like finding a needle in a junkie…and frequently, just as appealing a prospect…which is why it’s wicked to see the return of ‘Club Submission’, at which I partied…like it was 1995, until 6am yesterday morning.

During the 90s, ‘Submission’ grabbed the fetish scene by the collar and dragged it, kicking and screaming…and loving it really, into…the 90s, courtesy of  ‘Rubber Ron’s’ unique mash up of  club culture, fetish fashion & BDSM. Whether you wanted to spend the night dressed up in designer dungeon wear dancing to cutting edge DJs…or in a designer dungeon…cutting…at the edge…there really was something for everyone, as demonstrated by the genuinely eclectic crowd it always attracted. Perhaps though, Submission’s  crowning glory was its well deserved reputation as one of London’s friendliest club nights.

By the mid 90s, the event had done Bagleys Warehouse, Café de Paris and even Ibiza and was officially the largest fetish club in Europe. But just when it was threatening to take over the world, Submission went into remission. For many, ‘the scene’ was never the same again.

So imagine my surprise…and delight, when, out of the blue, I recently received an invitation to the brand new ‘Club Submission’, from my homee, Rubber Ron. Obviously I had to attend…not just for old time’s sake…not even because it was taking place on a Friday night and I fancied doing something a little ‘different’ with the shabbos candles…but because the flyer stated “The Legend Returns,”…so obviously people were expecting me to be there…

Of course, trying to recreate those halcyon days of Submission, is a serious challenge, especially in what has, in the intervening years, become an overcrowded and fractured ‘marketplace’. But it’s a challenge to which Ron (and Co.) have arisen in nothing less than the spectacular fashion I would expect.

Liek a pheonix from the ashes (ah ha) ‘Club Submission’ is everything that ‘Submission’ was…filthy, gorgeous…and all done in the best possible taste. In scenes reminiscent of the aforementioned Café de Paris night, it even managed to attract the local constabulary…though this time they didn’t stay to watch the porno videos…

If you’re wondering where my photos are, it’s a little difficult to keep a camera steady whilst holding your slave’s leash in one hand and a riding crop in the other, but I expect  you’ll find pics of the event in general…and of me in particular, on the Club Submission web site.


The Car’s Not The Star

The Rebbe always could spot a great band at a hundred paces, which is why it comes as no surprise that when Audi asked fourteen established and emerging artists to record cover versions of iconic tracks, around which to base the ad campaign for their newly remastered ‘TT’, My Tip for da Top, ‘Zook’ were Top of da lisT.

For the last three months, there’s been a track released each week (with accompanying podcasts, interviews, etc.) on Audi’s TT remastered web site. Highlights include Koko Elektrik’s version of ‘Tainted Love’, Shuffle’s version of ‘That’s Alright Mama’ and the Motorettes version of ‘Kids in America’. But by far the best is, of course, Zook’s acoustic funk noir spoken word rendition of New Order’s ‘Blue Monday’…though I can’t help feeling it could do with something…possibly a drum machine and some synths…

The song will be released on Tummy Touch Records next month, though it’s unclear whether the opening line will be “How does it feel” or “Audi it feels.” If you can’t wait ’till then, you can catch their live show on April 19th at Gramaphone, Commercial Street, London, E1.


In this country people regularly accuse the Labour administration of seeking to create a nonny state…at least I think that’s what I keep hearing? Now I’m all for a state full of nonny…as long as the nonny isn’t in a state… Unfortunately though, it looks unlikely that we’ll be seeing much nonny…or for that matter much else north of the border, as on 18th January this year, The Scottish Labour Party’s breast feeding bill, which bans women from breastfeeding in public, became law.

Clearly I misheard, it’s not a nonny state that’s being created, but…extremely ironically… a nanny state…a prospect about as appealing as a nanny’s nonny. Shame on you Labour! Breastfeeding is an entirely natural activity that provides men with endless hours of amusement, not to mention sexual fantasies and should therefore be encouraged not banned. In fact what we need is a breast freeing bill, after all, now that women have burned their bras, surely the next step should be to burn their shirts too…(just as long as they keep their wigs on). And if anything should be banned…aside from The Labour Party…it’s babies. Not only are babies an anti-social menace, but they also ruin the view when women are breastfeeding, an activity which, like education, is wasted on the young!

Of course being told when and where you can and cannot feed your infant is pretty bad, but not as bad as being told when and where you can remember the death of your immediate family amidst a genocide perpetrated upon your people. But despite the fact that Jews (many of whom have made a conscious choice to use the term ‘shoah’ in place of the term ‘holocaust’) already have a holocaust memorial day of their own (called Yom HaShoah), the ‘New Labour’ government typically think they know better and have declared today (January 27th) as New ‘Holocaust Memorial Day’.

Now some people will argue that Yom HaShoah is essentially a Jewish event and that we also need to commemorate the several million gipsies and homosexuals who were murdered as part of the holocaust…something that certain ex (and hopefully soon to be ex) Chief Rabbis would do well to remember…but from what I’ve seen of today’s coverage (during which one BBC commentator referred to the event as a ‘celebration’ and repeatedly mispronounced the word ‘Auschwitz’) no one is exactly making a song and dance about this fact…much less a Busby Berkeley musical…so what’s the point of Holocaust Memorial Day? Is it a) a transparent attempt by a government desperate to gain positive publicity in order to divert attention from it’s increasingly poor record, broken promises and lies? b) pure unadulterated nannyism? c) Orwellian in it’s use of language? d) a patronising and offensive travesty? or e) all of the above? Answers on a postcard to Prime Minster Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London.

So what will I be doing for the rest of today? Well despite the fact that I am completely opposed to New Holocaust Day, I shall nevertheless be remembering. I’ll be remembering what the British government did when Hitler became chancellor of Germany…made friends with him…what the British government did when Hitler started invading countries…appeased him….what The British Government did when they first learnt about the concentration camps (several years before their liberation)…nothing…what The British Government did when Jews showed up on their shores, having escaped from Europe on boats… refused them entry and turned them away to die at sea…what The British Government did when, a couple of years after the end of the war and after over fifty percent of the entire world Jewish population had been destroyed by genocide, there was a UN vote upon a resolution calling for the creation of a Jewish homeland in Israel, a place where Jews could finally be free from such persecution for the first time in their entire five thousand year history…abstain. After all, today is supposed to be a day of remembrance…even though these facts…just like the gypsies, the homosexuals and Yom HaShoah all somehow seem to have been forgotten…


Now in 3D…The Holo-caust

I was at a party recently, getting on down like a bad muthafucker, when someone informed me that Jews never stop going on about The Holocaust. Some Jews maybe…though not as much as some gentiles never stop accusing Jews of going on about The Holocaust…but not this Jew…all I ever talk about is me! Of course I might hide the fact by pretending to rap about my celebrity friends, sex, other web sites, and even the odd socio-economic issue, but really, at the end of the day, it’s all about me!

Admittedly, a few months ago, I did inadvertently mention the Holocaust in passing, but only whilst complaining that on the very rare occasions you actually get to see Jews on British television, it’s always as victims of the holocaust, or as persecutors of ‘innocent’ Palestinians. Apparently this doesn’t bother The BBC, who plan to start the year by broadcasting their new documentary series Auschwitz: The Nazis & the ‘Final Solution’, which uses 3D computer graphics technology to re-create the death camp…well if anyone’s going to re-build a universally hated centre of anti-Semitism I can’t think of anyone more appropriate than The BBC…

According to the broadcaster, the series was commissioned after they conducted research which revealed that 45% of the British population have never heard of Auschwitz. Now they plan to address this problem (which is the fault of a school history curriculum still obsessed with Empire, that teaches the Second World War as little more than a bunch of troop movements) by broadcasting the series on…BBC2…a niche channel which, according to BARB viewing figures, has a (generally very well educated) audience share of under 10%…as opposed to somewhere it might actually do some good, like the mainstream BBC1, which, according to BARB, has a (generally poorly educated) audience share of almost 25% (and let’s face it, you’d have to be pretty poorly educated to watch a channel that’s become as dumbed down as the school history curriculum…).

I’ve got news for the BBC…I recently conducted research which revealed that 99% of the British population have never heard of (or seen) Jews being portrayed on British television as anything other than victims or persecutors…perhaps if they had, there wouldn’t be a need for documentaries about The Holocaust…

I’ve got some more news for the BBC… my research also revealed that 100% of the British population have never seen MC Rebbe on BBC television, so perhaps they should commission one of my shows (see, I told you it was all about me), which, incidentally, portray Jews as anything but victims and persecutors …No? I thought not…

Oh well, as they say, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem…and if you’re part of the problem, you may as well show tokenistic documentaries about the final solution…


The Death of Democracy

Yesterday two things happened. Firstly, Birmingham Repertory Theatre cancelled their production of the new play ‘Behzti’, after several days of protest by the Sikh community and secondly, Parliament voted in favour of national identity cards.

According to the Sikh protesters Behzti, which was written by a Sikh, “depicts rape and murder in a temple and so portrays the Sikh faith negatively.” So in order to portray the Sikh faith positively, they immediately staged a mass demonstration, during which children visiting the theatre for a different production were traumatized, several police were injured and the theatre was damaged…

As a result, the play…and with it freedom of speech, was cancelled by the theatre, whose executive director Stuart Rogers said: “The theatre vigorously defends its right to produce Behzti and other similar high-quality plays that deal with contemporary issues in a multicultural society”…even though they are no longer producing it that is (gutless muthafuckers). So now that we have witnessed Sikhs raping and murdering freedom of speech and artistic expression outside a theatre (as opposed to inside a temple) should we view the Sikh faith negatively or take the view that murderers and rapists (whether inside a temple or outside a theatre) are representative of nothing but murderers and rapists?

Of course, Sikhs weren’t the only ones to object to this play…that great bastion and defender of tolerance for all religions…The Roman Catholic Church…also urged a boycott of the play, in fact in one television interview, a member of The Roman Catholic Diocese of Birmingham said he wouldn’t want to see that sort of thing going on in a cathedral…well in that case I guess he’d better stay away from the part of the cathedral where the priests keep the altar boys…

Frankly I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I mean it’s not as if someone is portraying scenes of rape and murder in a synagogue…although if they were I’d be the first to know (but enough about my next show)…

Meanwhile, back in London…Parliament were voting on a bill to bring in national identity cards. Having only just got rid of David Blunkett, the most draconian Home Secretary of the 20th century, whose bill it was, advocates of personal liberty on both sides of the political divide were hoping for the death of the bill. Instead we got the death of personal liberty, as Parliament voted in favour. This means that for the first time since World War Two, Brits will be obliged to have a national identity card, only unlike the ID cards back then, these new ones will contain three (yes three) separate forms of biometric data (and in this instance, three definitely does not make it Kosher). I don’t know about anyone else, but I won’t be carrying mine. Should I get stopped in the street by members of the armed forces (coming soon to a street near you…) who mistake me for a Muslim terrorist, the only biometric data they’ll be getting, will be a urine sample…and it won’t be in a bottle!

Studies have already shown that a national identity card wouldn’t have stopped 9-11, or the Barcelona railway bombing and the twenty million people that visit the UK every year will not be obliged to carry an ID card, so clearly national ID cards have nothing to do with any wars on terror (real or imaginary) and everything to do with control of the population of the nation. We already have more CCTV (closed circuit television) cameras in our cities than anywhere else in the world; only a couple of years ago the RIP Act was introduced which gives the government the right to read all email coming in and going out of this country; the right to remain silent during a police interview has all but been abolished; the right to a jury trial is being eroded and now freedom of speech, artistic expression and civil liberties have all been severely undermined. Apparently Orwell was wrong…but only by twenty years…he should have called it 2004.

Screw this, I think I’ll move somewhere freer, like North Korea…

Dynamite Big Audio

While sales of my charity single, ‘Feed the Jews’ have been massive, word on the street is that Band Aid 20’s single ‘Feed The World’ isn’t doing quite so well. Why should this be? Well according to one site, it’s a phenomenon known as “The Band Aid Dilemma.”

In their own words “You want this record to succeed, because you feel for the plight of the refugees in the Darfur region of Sudan and this project is funding aid projects on their behalf. However, you hate this recording and feel your musical ego looming…”

Luckily ‘Band Aid Dilemma’ or ‘B.A.D.’ as they like to be known, have a solution.

* Buy as many copies of Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid 20 as you can afford.
* Destroy them in amusing ways, on camera.
* Send them the pictures.

Perhaps I’ll stick my copy of ‘Feed the World’ in a large bagel and send them a picture of me eating it for breakfast…

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